Zero Gravitas

rtf:

Here are some amusing excerpts from a private forum that I frequent. R and O are a British couple, and R recently liveblogged O’s prescription drug-induced sleeptalking. This stuff is comedy gold.

O: how many times do you have to eat an egg before it goes away?
R: just one time.
O: what if it comes back?
R: I’ve never seen that happen.

O: how come some things are very small?
R: perhaps they just haven’t grown up to be big yet.

O: how many times are you allowed to touch an elephant on the trunk?
R: maybe two orthree times.
O: what if you want to do it more?
R: you have to wait till the next day.
O: what if he wants to give you a doughnut?
R: I guess you could do it a bit more then.

O: if I had a lamp made out of a mushroom I’d be sad if it broke.
R: yeah that would be pretty sad.

O: bubs, you know in japan?
R: yeah?
O: do they run around a lot?
R: I guess it depends if they’re busy.
O: what if they’re wearing hats?
R: I dont think that affects it.

O: bubs, what would happen?
R: what would happen if what happened?
O: if you poured out orange juice, but skips came out instead?
R: I guess you’d just have to eat the skips.
O: mmmmm.

O: if I found a t shirt on a stage, could I keep it?
R: I think you’d need to try and find out whose it was.
O: what if it was mine already?
R: yeah, you could keep it.

O: if I wanted to swap something for a fried egg, would it be enough?
R: depends what you want to swap it for.
O: an egg.
R: yes, that’d be enough.

O: how come sometimes a door can’t close because there’s books in the way?
R: just because there’s books in the way.
O: what if you really need to close it?
R: I guess you just have to move the books.
O: nah.

O: you know when we get a dog?
R: yeah.
O: will it make me fall over?
R: I don’t think so.
O: will it lay an egg?
R: no, dogs don’t lay eggs.
O: that’s what she said.

O: what day is Christmas this year?
R: 25th of december?
O: Hm! That’s the same as last year!
R: it’s the same every year, like your birthday
o: sometimes that’s different.
R: is it?
O: you have to look on the egg to find out when it’s going to be.
R: so there’s a magic egg that tells us when your birthday’s going to be?
O: it doesn’t matter what egg it is.
R: so I can just go into a supermarket and pick up an egg at random and it’ll have the date of your birthday for this year on it?
O: yeah.
R: seems like a pretty weird way of finding out when your birthday is.
O: yeah, tell me about it.